Explanations & Apologies
Is it a good idea for parents to explain and/or apologize in front of or directly to their children?
Although this post is mostly focused on the discussion of parent/child explanations and apologies, the content is also applicable in many other types of relationships (such as teachers and students, employers and employees and/or coworkers, etc.).
Keep explanations and apologies swift and simple. If/when necessary, they need to be age appropriate, relevant/to the point, and not exaggerated. Definitely explain what, how, and why things happen, to give kids context to their actions, yours, and other people’s actions. Don’t apologize as a way to please or appease poor behavior or tantrums or because the crocodile tears are pulling at your heartstrings. Children benefit from learning about the consequences of their actions and from experiencing those not so good feelings, which help to teach about making not so good choices. Yeah it’s ok to say, “I’m sorry you don’t like the consequences, but tough cookies...”. It’s also a good idea to be honest about your own poor choices and the effects of your actions in realistic and practical ways (you said or did something that didn’t turn out well, and in the future you will handle the situation differently by doing…). Be clear and concise, it’s not a confession, kids are not your friends or confidants, you’re setting a good example of what to do, even when you didn’t make the best choice or do the “right thing”. Owning up to your ‘own’ shortcomings (broken promises, or agreements) should not be something to hide from children just because they are children, or, just because your ego wants to feel superior, or, you want to be an authoritarian. Part of the job of parenting is teaching children how to translate and interpret the world in healthy ways. Modeling appropriate behavior is one of the most important ways to do this, and that includes teaching and learning the ideas that no one is perfect or has all the answers, and that being able to acknowledge and learn from mistakes is actually not a sign of weakness, but actually a strength and a significant aspect of being a leader.
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